It’s not that I don’t like dogs.
I just rather not have to live with one, or having one jumping on me, or licking me in inappropriate places at inappropriate times. I prefer cats to dogs. Cats are more compact, more independent, and more of a challenge than dogs.
I realize there are small and independent breeds of dog but small dogs scare me.
Small dogs freaking get away with murder!
When you see a child rampaging and yelping through the highways and byways of life you see disapproving glares and hear comments about how some people should learn how to control their children.
Small dogs can leap at your face and use their sharp little teeth to rip out your throat and you’re the bad guy if you even try gently to swat them away.
Most dogs are just too easy.
They’re like the unpopular kid in school who agreed to anything just to be liked.
I still taste plastic every time I see a Frisbee.
Why else would any animal consent to be dressed up for Halloween or a matching outfit for family pictures. Don’t try to tell me people don’t do this twisted stuff. I’ve seen pictures.
If you want a better view into the nature of the universe and the human condition you need to live with a cat. If you’d like to have a successful relationship with another human being you need to be trained by a cat.
Cats usually leave you alone until they need something.
Cats enjoy closeness but only on their schedule.
Once they are curled up with you they can either be content to keep you pinned down for hours or decide you are intruding on their space and demand you go somewhere else.
If a cat somehow does something ungraceful that you happen to witness the cat will somehow make it your fault.
Cats will arbitrarily decide you’ve done something wrong and punish you for it at their convenience.
Not only will living with a cat give you extraordinary insight into the way we treat each other but, if you’re a guy, they can help you find romance. If a woman sees that a man can successfully and happily live with a cat they may get the idea you can successfully live with them.
When my wife and I started dating she and my cat circled each other for a while. The cat took a swing at me in an attempt to discover how deep she could cut me without requiring me to have stitches to seal the wound. My wife to be stayed as far away from the cat as possible claiming to be allergic.
To get ready to nail me the cat needed to sharpen her claws and used the back of the couch. I yelled at her, charged across the room and grabbed her from the back of the couch. Alicia, who would be my wife, thought she was going to witness extreme human on feline violence. After I had the cat in hand I held her against my chest and softy said, “We’ve talked about this. Please don’t scratch the couch.”
Having seen this Alicia realized the cat had already whipped me and that the hard work was done. The joke was on Alicia though because she didn’t know the cat hadn’t successfully housebroken me.
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